


More

by On_Sonnshine



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: /, Angst, Developing Relationship, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Pre-Relationship, kind of, this is so short ffs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 03:51:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13332912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/On_Sonnshine/pseuds/On_Sonnshine
Summary: It's nothing serious.





	More

**Author's Note:**

> holy SHIT

‘Why are we doing this?’ George finally threw it out, no hesitation, leaning back against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed over his chest.  
  
Elliot flinched, and George suddenly regretted asking, but he knew it had been necessary.  
  
Why were they doing this? He couldn’t say that out loud, no. He couldn’t say that he missed his life before the divorce, and every time he went home to an empty house he felt the strong, growing stronger every time, urge to kill himself.  
  
He didn’t miss Kathy, oh no that wasn’t what it was at all. He missed being able to pretend. If he was married to Kathy, with his kids and his house and his ideal life, he could pretend. That he wasn’t who he was, that he was straight, that he had the perfect life, that he had the perfect wife, the perfect kids. No matter how much of a lie it was, no matter how painful it was to keep living.  
  
He couldn’t say that he’d been drawn to George since the very first day he’d met him. He couldn’t say that he that he felt as though God had abandoned him and he’d stopped caring enough to follow the ‘rules’ that had been drilled into him since he was a child.  
  
He certainly couldn’t say that George made him feel like it was okay to be weak, something no one else had ever done.  
  
How could George expect him to say that out loud? Then again, George didn’t owe him anything. Really, Elliot owed George, if anything. George had put up with Elliot on so many occasions even before this eh... _arrangement_ , had risen.  
  
But saying it out loud would make it real, and the thought made Elliot feel sick to his stomach. He didn’t want it to be real. Pretending had been his saving grace. If things went wrong he could retreat into the fantasy he’d created, of a perfect marriage, and a perfect life and _perfect perfect perfect._  
  
Nothing had ever been perfect, and after a while, the fantasy started crumbling, because George showed up and suddenly Elliot was finding it so hard to keep up the role of straight, perfect, caring husband. Because he wasn’t. Because he _didn’t love Kathy_. He never _had_.  
  
He didn’t want to say any of that, the truth was so _painful_. But...but Elliot was no stupid man and he knew that the question he’d been asked was preceding an ultimatum, and in all honesty, he had no clue what he’d do if he lost George now. George was all he had left and if he lost him...well, the previous thought wasn’t right at all. He knew what he’d do. It’d be so, so easy too.  
  
‘I’m...i’m doing this because it’s...’ Elliot made a soft noise of frustration, hand finding the nape of his neck. ‘I’m doing this because I need to, b...’ The word died in his throat and he swallowed thickly, hand slipping to the front of his neck.  
  
‘Because I’d...I’d probably be dead if I hadn’t started coming...here.’ Elliot let out the last part with a little, humour-less chuckle.  
  
George didn’t like the shock that jolted through him. He’d thought he’d had Elliot figured out, of course he knew that Elliot was depressed, that much was obvious. However, he hadn’t at all had any clue that Elliot was having suicidal thoughts. George felt his stomach twist at the knowledge but he didn’t allow any of those feelings onto his face, though he did allow his arms to fall away from his chest, instead holding onto the edge of the counter behind him.  
  
Elliot despised the silence, that was why he hated talking about stuff like this, there was always silence after. Because he’d kept up the image of a happy marriage and a happy life in general so well (ignoring the whole anger issues thing), so suddenly revealing that hey, he was actually an incredibly shattered human being, was always met with a shocked silence that he loathed.  
  
‘You still haven’t told me what’s wrong, and since you started it, why are _you_ doing this?’ It was a lame, effective yes, but a bit cliched way of taking the attention off of himself.  
  
George had to admit he didn’t immediately register the question, but could you blame him? The entire conversation didn’t seem real. He had, in all honesty, thought Elliot would sooner turn, leave, and find another outlet for his frustrations than actually discuss their relationship.  
  
George gathered his thoughts when he realized Elliot was watching him expectantly.  
  
‘I...’ George sighed, taking in a deep breath. ‘I feel like this entire... _thing_ we have going on is one-sided. I mean Elliot i’ve always lo-...’ Oh no no no no. ‘I’ve always had very strong feelings for you.’  
  
George shook his head, looking up at Elliot.  
  
‘And I don’t think you’d have feelings for anyone besides Kathy,’ Elliot nearly snorted despite the situation, ‘And I can’t let this continue if I’m ending up a casualty.’  
  
Elliot slowly leant against the wall, reeling, feeling as though he was simultaneously living and dying. Because George had nearly said that he loved him. But...it was _George_. (Surely you understand what I’m getting at here.) Elliot pursed his lips, arms crossing. It had never once been his style to show his real feelings, right?  
  
‘You’re not as smart as you look.’  
  
‘I’m- I’m sorry?’  
  
‘You’re not as smart as you look.’ Elliot repeated, standing straight.  
  
‘You wouldn’t be a casualty. I’m not s-’ Something stopped him.  
  
Oh he couldn’t say that.  
  
George looked at him, head tilted, but Elliot just avoided his gaze, waving his hand.  
  
‘I’ve gotta think about...this. For a while.’ Elliot didn’t have anything to think about. He needed time to himself to _panic_ , and wonder if this was some sick joke the world was playing on him.  
  
Because he couldn’t believe, for the life of him, that this was happening. Then again, he’d had that same thought the day after the first time he’d er... _stayed over_ at George’s.  
  
Elliot saw simultaneous relief and concern flash across George’s face, but he didn’t acknowledge it, because George’s eyes were glued to the floor and Elliot did not like that shit at all. Elliot stopped for a moment, but then didn’t even think about it as he crossed the floor.  
  
Even when he reached George, the other man didn’t look at him, so Elliot gently tipped the smaller man’s chin up, making him look at him. He’d done that many times, none for the reason he was doing it now. This time was different.  
  
Before George had a chance to either, A, object, or B, ask what he was doing, Elliot dipped closer, pressing a chaste but lingering kiss on George’s lips. The first kiss of that nature they’d ever shared. George felt his heart melt, and for a second Elliot could’ve murdered his entire family and he wouldn’t have cared.  
  
‘I’ll be back. I promise.’ Elliot offered the last part with a small, reassuring smile.  
  
That hadn’t gone as planned but...George had to admit he was quite happy with how the interaction had turned out.


End file.
